I suppose ... changes happen all the time. Sadly, some just are beyond my control.
It's funny to see how we have all grown up to be how we are now. It surprises me to see the changes in all of you.
Then again, things happen when you least expect them to.



Here, I say with a sigh ...
TrapT

Here, I say with a sigh …
Aye, look at how time goes by.
Sitting, staring by the skylight
Into the drops pouring down from sky.

Ah … lovely drops of rain
Taken in by every vine and grain
To watch birth from the earth
I see, in a glimpse, there’s growth.

Aye, isn’t it strange?
Look at how things have changed.

Then …
It used to be all planned, arranged,
Now …
Lost, slowly I have gone astray

[[ music ]] Sarah Brightman & Steve Harley - Phantom of the Opera
[[ book ]] Pygmallion - George Bernard Shaw
[[ mood ]] Very Tired

3 comments

“Don’t forget that all of your lecturers were once students as well. So, they know quite a few tricks as well.”
Mr. Bala

Well, I wonder if they remember those times!

Then again,

I suppose … some of the most strenuous and draining tasks give you the most satisfaction.

***

Two days to go …

[[ music ]] Guang Liang - Tong Hua
[[ mood ]] drained

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I miss Li.
I miss May.
I miss Tin.
I miss San.
I miss Dai.
I miss Kiran.
I miss Khian.
I miss Pooi Yeng.

I miss life!

[[ music ]] I'm So Lonely - Akon ft. Alvin tha Chipmunk
[[ mood ]] stressed

1 comments

There ….
It’s one of those days again.

Break?
What break?

Things to do:
 Law
2 essays
Effectiveness of the Crown Prosecution service
Amendments of the Bail Act
Flow charts
Chapter 1 -15
 Sociology
20 outlines
All sociological theories, process of socialization, sociology & values, Durkheim’s suicide theory
Essays
Process of socialization
Can sociology be a science?
Should sociology be a science?
Structuration vs. agencies
Conflict vs. consensus
Social conformity
Social order
 Literature
Correction for the paper on Comedy of Errors, by William Shakespeare
Character mapping for A Grain of Wheat, by Ngugi wa Thiong’o
Thematic concerns & methods for A Grain of Wheat by Ngugi wa Thiong’o
The significance of the title for A Grain of Wheat by Ngugi wa Thiong’o
 Economics
Nil. (Thank you Mr. Gobi)


First Semester Exam
6th April 2005 – 10th April 2005

Mates, can you see the gravity of my situation here?
And they dare say ‘Class, enjoy your two weeks off!’
How ignorant.

The first semester examinations results would be used as the forecast for my university entrance application. It’s probably another three years before I would actually get to any one of the universities I’m going to apply for, but I have to work for that now. Sigh …

And ... on top of all that, I still have not started studying at all for the exams!

This is just one of those days … where you thought you knew exactly what you need to do, what you should do and what you have to do but you’re just not sure if you want to do anything at all anymore.
(Now … I understand how some people can have suicidal thoughts in college)

[[ music ]] Home - Michael Buble
[[ mood ]] Drained

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‘I can see that her problem is that she’s a perfectionist.’
‘But, remember you cannot expect others to be like you.’
‘There’s a good and bad side to that.’
Miss Anne Moses

The Problems with Being a Perfectionist

1. You get worked out over the littlest things.
I cussed when I saw a spelling mistake on my subtitles of my summary and reprinted it. It’s a waste of print quota.
2. You don’t trust the people you are working with.
I’ve been working with three of my classmates for literature. I do all the typing for the summary and the significance of every chapter. It’s not that they did not offer to help but there is a need in me to assure that work is done in the best possible manner and handed in on time.
3. You tend to feel you need to do everything yourself.
This is a result of a problem no. 2.
4. You know you cannot have the same expectations you have of yourself towards the people you are working with.This is the one thing my lecturer has slapped into my face during a conversation when my friends (from another group) were feeling my work load. You simply cannot expect people to work as hard as you!
5. You don’t exactly have time for everything.You want quality in the work but you don’t have enough time to do everything.


The bigger problem here is that ...
I cannot change all that now. The only thing I think about these days are datelines, due dates and homework.

I'm beginning to think that I've revolved into someone even I cannot comprehend.

[[ mood ]] working

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I had a relatively bad day today.
One of the scariest thing happened to me today.
The thought of quitting literature came to my mind.

I’m still suffering from the aftermath of the thought.
It’s like having the Boxing Day tsunami within. Waves and waves of thoughts, simply out of control.

This is one thought that has never come across my mind before. More importantly, quitting literature is something I have never thought I would think about. And when it came, it was a gravely startling ordeal. It feels like I have lost all that direction I used to have when I first started of with it. There’s a lot of love for the subject. Even I cannot comprehend the origin of that thought. Perhaps it’s the work load over the last week. Perhaps it’s not. Perhaps it’s the accumulated frustration through the week. Perhaps it’s the list of homework I have received. Perhaps, I have given up.
I do not know.

There is still enough control to know how much I love the subject – the sole reason why I’m still in the class in spite of the amount of work I have to deal with.
The thought of dropping a subject has always been there. (I’m taking four subjects by the way – Literature, Law, Economics & Sociology.) It has always been a decision between Economics and Sociology. Now, it’s getting more complicated. Literature joins the party.
But it is because of this love for both the language and the subject that the mere appearance of the thought scared me.

I think I need a damn good break.

Maybe I should stop blogging for a while …
Maybe I should stop everything for a while …

[[ mood ]] Very tired

1 comments

We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them.
Anais Nin (1903 - 1977)

[[ mood ]] Fucked

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I’ve been looking back at the entries I’ve written for the past year. Apparently, there are quite an obvious difference in terms of subject matter, style and language. Again, I’d like to think that it’s all down to growth. Another apparent difference would be my entries in the past are very much longer than the ones I write now. Again – growth!

More importantly than realizing the changes in the entries, I realized how important blogging has been for me. Very often, when I ask people to update their blogs, I get one very (and I mean VERY) common response – ‘What to write? My life so boring! School, tuition and homework!’. Every now and then, I randomly try to encourage people to start a blog, which I get an almost similar answer every time – or worst. ‘What to write? I don’t know where to start. How can you write so much? My English very badlah!’

People wonder why I like blogging so much …
Well, mates …
Tabulas, for me, is not merely an online journal where I tabulate all my experiences and thoughts. This site serves a more significant purpose now than before.

For me, this journal is a very important medium of communication for me. It is a tool in which I use to channel my thoughts, not to the world out there (they don’t need to know) but to the people closest to me. For those of you who have known me personally for some years, you’d realize that verbal communication is not my domain and strength. It is through this site that I can allow my thoughts and ideas to freely circulate in the minds of others. There is no denying that I have gone to establish mutual friendships through the blogging world.

In addition to that, blogging offers me an experience to take a look at my past and my present emotional and mental state. More importantly than that, blogging has offered me to look into the lives of my very close friends. Writing, in one way or many others allow you to subconsciously reveal a lot of minor details about yourself. People tend to reveal themselves more when they write because hidden communication traits and personalities become more apparent through written works. And, it is because of this, I’ve seen a side of my friends that I never thought existed. Blogging is not just a trend. It is, to a certain extent not only an exploration to a person’s life, but also his or her soul.

There are people who stop writing – some for a while, others for good. It pains me to see that people who started of a blog does not continue it because on a very personal plane, it feels that the only way I can reach out to their thoughts are suddenly torn down. I have gained thoughts, ideas and experiences from blog-hopping. That is exactly why I always try to encourage my friends to write – not necessarily because I have no other blogs to read but it is because I understand how much an online journal has changed me and helped me through the rough times. Of course, I too could understand how keeping a blog going can be a very strenuous task. There are demands to meet. Even I have thought about stop writing and or at least make the blog private. But, I always end up doing a cost-balance analysis which often result to keeping the blog anyway.

It might sound a little cliché for me to explain how much writing has helped me. Anger, frustration, angst, disappointment, joy, delight and happiness are very often conveyed through this medium. There is often quite a balance of flashbacks on the past and anticipation for the future in my entries. And with that, came along many of your personal comments of similar feelings and understanding and advises which very often put me back on track when I lose my balance. The beauty of online journals lies not in the idea that it is mainly and just about me like a private diary, to a certain extent it’s about us. When I convey my thoughts through this medium, it’s not often I get cynical or mordant remarks. Instead, there have always been very sincere and resonating thoughts that are very encouraging. Again, it is through this exchange of thoughts that a blog-friendship is established.

Then again, to establish a depiction of the blogging community as an all friendly and sugary nice would be a hyperbole. There are, undoubtedly very nasty entries and comments. Then again, it is all down to a very personal perspective. What are nasty to me might not be others. Adding on to that, it is, after all, their blogs. To read the entries is my choice, to comment on them is my freedom, but to right the way they do is their right. And, it would be highly improper for me to condemn that right in any way possible. I suppose there is a certain unwritten code of ethics in the blogging community!

There are a few who have recently commented that the site is getting to poetic. Mates, writing, for me, is the most beautiful art of communication. Poetry is one of the many ways I use to subtly convey a message. Very often, I wonder if people actually get the message – I’m sure those who have always been there would comprehend my thoughts of that moment.

I think and feel that a part of my growth comes from this blog. The realization of what is important and what is not originated from this blog. The source of both direction and inspiration comes from this blog. These things do not come from me alone; they came from your thoughts and ideas and sometimes criticisms as well. For that, I thank those who have always been visiting the site for all your time, faith and support. For those who have occasionally dropped by to say hi, I thank you all for your irregular visits. More importantly, for those who have influenced me in the way I write, what I write and your very helpful comments, I can only offer my highest gratitude.

Again … update your blogs. Please …

[[ music ]] Silver Chair - Suicidal Dreams
[[ book ]] English Legal System - Jacqueline Martin
[[ mood ]] stressed

1 comments

"Thou fool, that which thou sowest is not quickened, except it die. And that wchih thou sowest, thou sowest not that body shall be, ut bare grain, it may chance of wheat, or of some other grain."

1 Corinthians 15:36

I need help to interpret these lines from the bible - for academic purposes of course.

I'd appreciate explanations or information about this chapter.
Thank you.

[[ mood ]] working

4 comments

This is a poem ... that I love very much ... written by Brooke ... one of the best (BEST) looking poet ever.

THE SOLDIER

By: Rupert Brooke (1887-1915)

IF I should die, think only this of me:
That there's some corner of a foreign field
That is for ever England. There shall be
In that rich earth a richer dust conceal'd;
A dust whom England bore, shaped, made aware,
Gave, once, her flowers to love, her ways to roam,
A body of England's, breathing English air.
Wash'd by the rivers, blest by suns of home.
And think, this heart, all evil shed away,
A pulse in the eternal mind, no less
Gives somewhere back the thoughts by England given;
Her sights and sounds; dreams happy as her day;
And laughter, learnt of friends; and gentleness,
In hearts at peace, under an English heaven.



You know how they say the grass is always greener on the other side ...
Well ...
I thought so myself.

There's no grass greener than those in the English Spring ...
It's the green of the greens ...

[[ book ]] Selected Poems - Robert Frost
[[ mood ]] rejuvenated

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Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel. Every one sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are.
Niccolo Machiavelli (1469 - 1527), The Prince


People are very judgemental.

I am judgemental.

Everyone is judgemental.

But ...

Some judgements ought to be kept to yourself.

You'll never know who might be reading them.

No one person has the right to judge another.

And even if you are allowed to judge someone ...

It's not a right.

It is a privillege.


Cheerio.

[[ music ]] Macavity: the Mystery Cat - Sarah Brightman
[[ book ]] Song of Experience, William Blake
[[ mood ]] tired

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You know how they say ...

"What will other people think of you if they saw you to that?"

Well ...
I don't think we'd ever live long enough to know who those other people are and what they think.

A lot of the times, we take into account too much about what other people think of us. And ... on top of that, your parents, teachers and friends might have uttered the line above to further strenghten your self-consciousness.

But ...
Does it matter what other people think?
Should it matter?

Then again ...

We all know our actions and words are almost definitely irrevocably related to another peson.
Some gain and some loses out.

Then it comes down to whether ...
being responsible to yourself is actually more important than being responsible to other people.

Just a matter of value judgement.

Sigh ...


Cheerio.

[[ mood ]] lethargic

3 comments

This is definitely .... DEFINITELY ... one of those days ....
I just knew something would happen ... and

IT DID HAPPENED.

I think I'm cursed.

Fuck.

[[ mood ]] Fucked

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Khian

On Death
Trapt

In Death, there lies beauty,
Far more obscure for me to tell
Just like standing amidst the morning mist
I think I see it, feel it - that glance of beauty,
But just could not put in words, or tell.
With Death, I feel an attraction,
An appeal I saw not, nor feel from Life.
From Death, I know of certainty
And end – to what I brought to life.
And it is with Death that I was given
A glimpse of beauty - a touch of grace.
For in Death,
I feel no pain and see no blood.
There is no less beauty in Death than in life.

***

There is no less beauty i death than in life, but there is also no less beauty in life than in death. For it is in the beauty of life that we find beauty in death.

Death, mate ...
is not a solution, just a mere option.
No one person has more right to judge whether that option is a right choice or a wrong one. Ultimately, it is only the judgement you give yourself that really counts.

I will not allow myself to say I understand and feel the sort of agony you feel. I simply don't. There are things in life, you and I cannot change.
In you - I saw talent and future.
A character that distinguishes you from almost everyone else.
Don't let it fade.

You are going to be alright.
That much - I know.


Cheers.
TrapT

[[ music ]] McFly - All About You
[[ mood ]] contemplative

1 comments

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
Oscar Levant (1906 - 1972)

How important exactly is it to be happy?

[[ mood ]] tired

2 comments