Why me?

WHY ME?

[[ book ]] Jane Austen's Mansfield Park
[[ show ]] Grey's Anatomy Season 2
[[ mood ]] frustrated

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In spite of all there is, I think the only person worth watching on America's Next Top Model is Nigel Barker.


Cheerio.

[[ mood ]] blah

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Einstein is one of those old crazy chaps who is taken a little too seriously by the world.


Cheerio.

[[ music ]] INXS - Afterglow
[[ book ]] Dickens' Great Expectations
[[ show ]] Grey's Anatomy Season 2
[[ mood ]] bored

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Some feelings are evoked by some thoughts. Both feelings and thoughts come when they come- without warning. They come often when you’re least aware of it and when you are left completely unguarded, unprepared and vulnerable. Occasionally, they come on those nights where you effortlessly watch the rain fall – a drop at a time, one drop after another. On other occasions, they come when you walk across a familiar path; seeing again what you once saw, recollecting flashes of scenes you remember yourself smiling without a reason. Then, there are times when they come at a moment when you least expect them to come – at the time when you stand alone in a middle of a crowd or when you look through the shelves in search of that one book you had in mind but later forgotten because of the ‘attack’ of these feelings.

And when they do come, you just pause for a moment and let it pass. Sometimes, it lasts only for seconds, reminding you only of the little events you once had the pleasure of being a part of. At other times, they last longer than you intend them to; they last for hours, reminding you again and again of what was and what is with you helplessly standing therewith little idea what to do. What are we suppose to do? Some feelings are not meant to be guarded against because they intrude on your awareness, your conscious mind with or without your voluntary consent. The high walls and strong defences you built up in the daytime serves its purpose only momentarily. It is in the nights where you begin to realize and acknowledge that these walls don’t keep the sentiments or the feelings or those unwanted thoughts out, they keep you in. You are then trapped within.

I suppose we all suffer to some extent or other, a degree of vulnerability towards some of our thoughts or emotions. We are defenceless, helpless and probably even pathetic against them. If we see ourselves in a fight against our own thoughts and feelings, we are very likely to lose. Some emotions are that overwhelming. And, what are we to do about that but stand and wait, kneel and pray? Of fear, of regret, of guilt and of other emotions, we are all acquainted with. Then why is it that we are only equipped with the same vulnerability, same helplessness and same exposure every time these old friends revisit us? If the heart is made to feel all these sentiments, then it is doubtless that we are to suffer and it is without question that pain becomes an essential part of our existence.

There is little to debate about these sentiments. They are there with or without your consent and they stay as long as it pleases them. But I am not talking about guilt. I am not talking about regret. Neither am I talking about fear. These will always be present. I am talking about something more morbidly embedded into me of late – the feeling you know something is missing or someone is missing, something distant beyond your reach, something where time and space makes only a grain of difference. It is a little like pain but not physical and it becomes a little like a drug to nudge you forward gently. Just a little nudge, just a little feeling. It is more to do than just what is in the mind or the body. It feels like a mind-body-spirit occurrence that directly ties itself to the soul. I don’t know what it is. Why is it that I am vulnerable to that?

Do you look up at the vastness of the dark sky and pick the brightest star to say to it how you feel? Or do you lay awake staring blandly into the chasm of emptiness you have long been acquainted with? I little know of what one should do in such a situation but my personal opinion is that whatever is it that is within my capacity to do, there is no escape for these feelings. There is little need to guard against them. All you can afford to do is to embrace every moment of it. They come when they come.

[[ music ]] Jet - Hold On
[[ mood ]] drained

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We like to think we know the people around. We look at them in the eyes; we talk to them everyday; we understand each other even without speaking; we could predict what the person is going to say or do without hearing or seeing it done but we don’t go beyond that. We become a little too at ease with who we see and hear that we forget there is just more to a person than what he or she does and speak. We like to think we know a person after so many years or so many events but sometimes we just have no idea. And, every so often, we forget that we have no idea, pretending only to know.

You see a person smile and you say she is happy. If human emotions are to be that simple, we lose the essence of our existence. We forget what having a heart is all about. So, day to day, you meet the same people, you do the same things and feel the same way and you like to think you know what you are about and you like to think what the people around you are about but you have no idea. It is important to keep in touch with yourself. Yet, how often is it that one should look in the mirror and sees the person staring back as herself, as someone completely and totally identical to who oneself is?

I find myself blameworthy in the misdeed of negligence. People are just more than what they appear to be. Beneath what some calls a façade, a mere appearance of illusion lays a deep, forlorn soul that I have so long been blind to. I am at fault, doubtless. It makes it difficult that one should admit her part of the fault in a friendship. Yet, when you see a side of a person you have never seen before – the side, which should have been most apparent to you before, you begin to become conscious of what a disappointment you could have been. I could have been there and I like to think that I was there but I’m just not sure. You think friendship is about certainty, stability and mutual awareness of each other’s parts. Then you begin to realize that you might have done quite a appalling job playing your role.

You think you know the people around you but there are just more to what you see and hear of the other person. You think you know a friend whom you’ve trusted all your life; a friend who knows where your things are when you don’t know yourself; a friend who goes out for supper with you even when she is not hungry; a friend who reminds you of what you have to do and a friend who has been there, done that and is still here with you, but you find out that there’s just more to her than all that she has done for you. She’s a friend – that I am certain of. Am I?

[[ mood ]] blank

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The trouble with jeans is that they last too long.

I want new jeans.

[[ mood ]] blah

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It is true when they say that joy rides don't last as long as you think they do. They last a matter of second and as soon as you begin to get use to it, it ends. It is also true when they good things don't last very long. It works the same way for my break.

Then again, I guess reality doesn't bite until it hits you.

Breaks are always short.

Retirements are longer.

My break ends in 2 days when I return to hell in college. My finals are in less than two months. Yes. Reality hurts when it hits you. My finals are in less than two months.

Sigh ...

[[ mood ]] distressed

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"Life is not a series of isolated ponds and puddle; life is this river you see below, before you. It flows from the past through the present on its way to the future. That is not something I have always understood; it is something I have come to a gradual understanding of."

- Wally Lamb, I Know This Much Is True

***

I'm drowning.

[[ mood ]] crappy

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