I would like to do a boring entry, about me finishing my finals, and the list of things I want to do during the semester break. If you are expecting any sort of entries like I've mentioned, you are wrong. I'm keeping my semester break's plans in secrecy, until they are all carried out well. It's quite an exciting semester break though, in fact I can't wait! One thing's for sure, part of the break would DEFINITELY, TOTALLY be devoted to FYP.
I'm home at the moment, and most of my friends back home, have been mentioning about their FYP as well. Looks like our fates happen to be the same.
Hmm, we are going to Zero Degrees tonight. Their grand opening was just 2 nights ago, and we got super seats for tonight. Right now, another tour around this humble town of mine. Aahh..

p/s: To everyone on this Friday, enjoy the holiday!

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suddenly, i wanted to know what you think of me..

as if it still matters.. 

wala lang..

[[ mood ]] awake

Filed under my sweetest downfall | 4 comments

Uh oh. I have sun-bleached streaks/bits in my hair.

I have a bandage tan line on my right arm.

I've lost my booties tan and regained my sandals tan. Sadly, my bikini tan is almost gone but my wetsuit tan is still there.

I know I need a haircut, and I know I'm in denial insisting that I do not need a facial.

I'm too sleepy to come up with proper sentences or anything substantial. Good night world.

[[ music ]] I Saw Her Standing There - The Beatles

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i haven't had this in a long time.

the last time i had a nightmare was when i really missed tatay, so much that i saw him slipping to the next life on my bare hands.  the pain was suffocating, i was crying in my dream. when i woke up, i was sobbing literally. i was really scared, so scared that my next action was to find him, wherever he was just to tell him a few things, ask him a few questions, only to find out he didn't want me anymore, for some unintelligible reasons, only him knows. it really hurt, big time! 

and then last night..

i saw you in my dreams. we were great, we were happy, we were inseparable. and then, you met somebody, a friend of mine. you acted weird. you treated her in a different way. i was taken aback. i saw pain. i saw you slipping away from me. . my heart is in deep pain, really deep pain, then i was crying, crying my heart out. suddenly, i cannot breathe. i woke up, grasping for air, heavily panting while astonishingly feeling the pain i felt in my dream, i felt the pang of jealousy, the hurt of you leaving me.. when i turned to check you. you were sleeping soundly, snoring, grinding your teeth, moving from side to side.. you are still here, physically but your not heart is not here anymore, malaysia maybe..?

i do not know what to say. i was suddenly scared, again. 

of course it still hurts. but i can handle it.

p.s. u smell soo goood this morning.. i wanted to bite you... lol

[[ music ]] true colors
[[ mood ]] scared

Filed under my sweetest downfall | 8 comments

Ego. Oh, sue me, please.

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A sleepless night, panicking outside my house at 4.45am because I forgot to print my airport shuttle confirmation, stupid passengers who do not seem to understand what seat numbers are, perverted horny kids and ignorant parents although I did tell them about their son, hunger, new friends met on the plane and at the airport, coincidences, finishing the whole "The Art of Racing in the Rain" book on the plane, restlessness, hugs and sense of relief and tonnes of hawker food (zhao liu, popiah, rojak and sotong kangkung) later, I am home sweet home.

I'm on a single mattress on the floor, surrounded by my favourite plushies, my big purple pillows, 2 blue pillows and 2 smaller square pillows, my cube lamp, my dark purple wall and a newly painted pale purple wall. Ahh...so much has changed! But no matter what, it's good to be home!

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I stayed awake the whole night. Perhaps it was a good excuse to "de-rail" from my final, final paper. Must be the 'hypertension' I've been having lately, due to exams, due to external factors, I've been feeling off-track lately. As I'm typing this, I've just forced myself off the bed, taken a quick cold shower, and instead of mugging the last minute, I thought it was best to do some theraphy here before facing the paper later.
I think exams change a person's mood, emotion and attitude. I really do. Either you turn into a giant blob, which goes on sucking and sucking in what's written on the books, and you become oblivious to your surroundings, OR you become like me, uncertain of your emotions, what you've read, what was been done and all you want to do is just lock yourself in the room. You'd prefer the darkness. Isolation.
I remembered when I first got into this relationship, or rather for a couple of my past relationships, MeiLing & Mel would ask, "Are you sure this is what you want?" and obviously, at that point, it was only the starting of the race, and with excitement, I would always say "Yes!!". And then Meiling would do her signatory saying which goes like this: "Just make sure you treasure her." with a smile, of course.
I've came a long way now. From beautiful relationships which I've crushed with my own bare hands, and to not-so-beautiful relationships, which I've abandoned. And last night, was perhaps, the stupidest decision I've made. I know, there's no reason to utter anything mentally-abusive when you are in an argument, especially when you come to think of it, perhaps, at some point I overreacted. I admit that. I tend to get slightly over-posessive sometimes. It's something you have to take in about me, if you want to be with me. I tried not to bring this negative element everytime I start a new relationship. I suppress my emotions. Acting all cool about what or what not that was done, until at some point, the pressure has turned tooo intense.
At one point, I remembered someone telling me not to give my 100% when I start this new relationship, because if you give that much, and when it ends, you get twice the pain. Obviously, I was stupid enough to have ignored his advice.

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Each and everyone of us has a role to play. Whether it's the role of a daughter, son, parent, grandparent, husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, student, lecturer, etc. You get the picture. With the given role, we are all expected to perform to it maximum and play our part, well. In most cases, such roles, come with rules and regulations, whether we like it or not, we have to obey them. For most cases, rules are broken, thus the issue of compatibility in role-taking.
A mental note. Just remember the role you are playing. Because there will be a day, people will get tired and thus, your role will soon be redundant. And you shall be replaced.

-- Told a friend, it's a risky investment, and from the looks of it, the stocks are going down. Time to scout for a new one then! 

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